Under One Roof - Part One

Pastor Jeff preached a very real sermon this week on "How to deal with our Anger". Scripture referrence from Eph 4:25-32.
It was a much awaited reminder on how easy it is to get upset with the people we love and in our anger hurt each other. I love Pastor Jeff's preaching not because he is good at using humour to bring across a point, but because he uses very simple and real examples to teach kingdom truths and principles. Allow me to share my thoughts about what has been taught this week.

When things get heated up and you are really really upset, try the 3 T's.
1) Time Out.
2) Talk to yourself.
3) Tell God about it.

1) Time Out
Pastor Jeff encouraged us to call a time out when tempers are high. It is better to walk away from the tense situation and take a breather to clear your head first, instead of trying to explain or apologise cos' the other party may not be in the correct frame of mind to talk. Or worse, your apology may not even be sincere in the first place since we are already so frustrated.
Well...I have major problems with this cos' I don't like walking away from a fight. I've always believed in settling the issue immediately so as to avoid any misunderstanding. And me being a confrontational person does not help either. Those who know me well will remember the seasons in my youth when the relationship between Dad and I was very strained. We argued all the time and I mean ALL the time. Dad was a typical asian father whose way of showing love and concern is to discipline his children. You know the chinese saying - Da Shi Teng, Ma Shi Ai - meaning to hit is to dote, to scold is to love. Going by that understanding, Dad really loved me and doted on me cos' I was hit and scolded everyday...I'm not kidding. Dad was bull headed by nature and me being my father's son was exactly like him. Mum used to comment that it was so ironic that of all the traits I could have inherited from my father, I had to inherit the one I disliked the most...generational "curse" I suppose. Anyway, a typical conversation with dad would go something like that...

Dad: Boy ah! (in a not so friendly manner)
Me: What... (likewise in a loud tone)
Dad: How dare you shout at me? I cannot call you is it? (voice raised)
Me: I didn't shout at you what!?? (voice also raised...exasperated)
Dad: You dare to argue back!!!
By this time, we would have caused the whole neighbourhood to start placing bets on who will win the fight...seriously.

It's times like these that I really appreciate the wisdom of my mum who literally had to drag me into my room (I would still be screaming in the room) and shut me up. If only dad and I had learned the importance of calling for a time out...me teenage days would have been a lot happier for everyone.

I'm still learning this truth in my marriage. Hunny commented that I'm an angry person...and I think she's right. Old habits die hard and I still find myself being very confrontational and charged up when I'm upset...at least with my wife. The good thing is that Hunny is usually the one who calls for the time out. The only problem is that I sometimes refuse to take it and insisted on having the last say. I thank God that she's willing to put up with all these. I guess I never really understood the importance of a time out. Paster Jeff made it very clear today, when calling for a time out:
a) No apology is needed.
b) Don't feel offended about walking away.
c) It is not meant to punish, reject or hurt.
I hated it when Hunny walks away in the midst of an argument (cos' I felt disrespected...but I think it's just an ego thing), but now I think my wife is a very wise woman.

2) Talk to yourself
Erm... I really don't know how to do that...feels funny...
But thanks to technology, I can do something similar....BLOG about it! It really helps cos' you tend to reflect and find out the root cause of the issue. But it's not going to work if we are in constant denial ha ha...

3) Tell God about it
This is the very thing I always end up not doing. Maybe it's because I'm ashamed of getting angry and doing soemthing stupid in my anger, so I dare not talk to God aboout it. But like Pastor Jeff said, it is even more important now that we articulate our true feelings and the condition of our hearts to God. He knows it already...He just wants us to acknowledge them.

So how do we Communicate in our anger?

1) Learn to speak Truthfully. (Eph 4:25)
It's more inportant to speak the truth in love instead of being fearful of conflict. Pastor suggested that we can try exercising the following 4 points:
a) State Observations
b) Express your feelings
c) Make known your need
d) Put forth your request

Pastor gave a very humourous illustration on using the above methods...imagine an argument between a husband and wife...

Husband: You are such a stupid woman!
Wife: If you are so smart, why did you marry me???
I don't I need to elaborate how this will turn out right?

What if the wife replied using the 4 steps?
Husband: You are such a stupid woman!
Wife: When you called me a stupid woman...(State observations)
...I was upset and hurt...(Express your feelings)
...it was a very disrespectful statement...(Make known your request)
...would you consider not doing that again? (Put forth your request)

Sounds too good to be true right? Maybe...but to reach this level we will probably have gone through the 3 T's so this might not be impossible afterall....

2) Learn to speak Graciously (Eph 4:29)
To do so is to say all things in the name of Jesus. Is is possible to curse or speak ill of another in the name of God??? I don't even want to try. Some scriptures to digest - Col 4:6, Col 3:16-17.

I thank God for his message today. I'm looking forward for more in the coming weeks. For more information about our family series this month, check out here.

Ok lah...I know this post quite serious...so here's a little Pastor Jeff humour to end it off....

A Loving Wife's Prayer
Dear Lord, give me the patience so that I may love my husband and understanding so that I may meet his needs. For if I ask for strength...I might just beat him to death!

Hunny...you don't pray that do you?